Cheesecake
by OwlinAMinor
Summary: In which Nine, Rose, and Jack discover the real origination of Dora the Explorer. And then Jack gets a cheesecake pregnant. Christmas present for Michi (Kageegak). Oneshot.


**Title: Cheesecake**

**Pairing: 9/Rose/Jack, Jack/cheesecake**

**Genre: Humor or Adventure or maybe just Crack**

**Summary: In which Nine, Rose, and Jack discover the real origination of Dora the Explorer. And then Jack gets a cheesecake pregnant. Christmas present for Michi (_Kageegak_).**

**Length: oneshot**

**Dissing of the Claims: Doctor Who (unfortunately) doesn't belong to me. Dora the Explorer (fortunately) also doesn't belong to me. Cheesecake belongs to the stomach of those who eat it.**

**A/N: The eleventh Christmas present fanfic I'm posting. (I wrote all of my friends these fanfics for Christmas because I'm broke.) This one is the last one I wrote, so it's the last one I'm posting. I wrote half of it at 2am and the other half at 5am, which probably explains the weirdness. Or the request of a Doctor Who and Dora the Explorer crossover explains the weirdness. Whatever.**

* * *

Usually, when the Doctor acquires a new companion, he lets the companion choose his/her first destination in the TARDIS.

So, when Jack joined the merry little duo of the Doctor and Rose, the Doctor asked him where he wanted to go, assuming he'd probably want to go to a bar or a special hotel or something, and they'd get into a big argument. But no, Jack didn't want to visit any sort of perverted place – no, he just _had _to be unpredictable – no, he wanted to visit a cartoon world.

"What's a cartoon world?" Rose asked.

"It's like a normal world," Jack explained before the Doctor could (and, see, here was another reason the Doctor didn't always like him), "only it's in the style of cartoons. Some of the really high-tech races create them as virtual reality-type places, so that if they want to produce a cartoon show for kids, they can simply film the creatures in the cartoon world, instead of having to draw everything out."

"Oh, that's really cool," she exclaimed. "Let's go there, Doctor, pleeeaaase?"

The Doctor couldn't resist her, of course, so he set their course for the nearest cartoon world, and the three stepped out of the TARDIS into a tropical paradise.

It was the sort of place the Doctor wouldn't mind vacationing in for half of his life – the climate was nice, warm and sunny and not too humid, and there was all of this interesting foliage around for him to study, and there wasn't anybody else around, so the Doctor could have lived in peace and quiet. He was debating asking the other two whether or not they would mind spending a week here, when he heard Rose gasp in surprise.

"What is it?" he inquired.

"We aren't cartoony!" she said. "I thought we'd be all cartoony, since it's a cartoon world and all."

"No, worlds don't change you," Jack answered her, "you change them."

Rose seemed to find this answer acceptable, so the three of them commenced exploring (or, ambling along random paths that they found in the forest and trying desperately to commit the location of the parked TARDIS to memory.)

After a few minutes of this, Rose said that she recognized the place. When prompted, she explained, "When I was in America once, visiting some cousins, we watched this really weird show for little kids called Dora the Explorer that was meant to teach kids Spanish, because Dora was Latino, and the setting of it looked just like this."

"That's weird," the Doctor observed. "Contemporary American technology definitely isn't advanced enough to create a cartoon world … Unless this is for a one thousandth anniversary of that show or something."

"I guess that's what it is," Rose figured, shrugging.

Just then, they heard sound coming towards them in the woods – or, more specifically, the sound of singing.

"Oh, yeah, that's from the show, too," Rose remembered. "There was this song that Dora would sing whenever she was walking somewhere … How did it go? … Oh, right! _Come on, vamanos_," she sang, "_everybody let's go!_"

Jack winced and held his hands to his ears. "Rose, had anyone ever told you you're a great singer?" he asked her.

"No," she replied.

"Well, I can hear why."

She laughed, and smacked him. And here was another thing the Doctor didn't get about Jack: if he had been the one making fun of Rose's singing, she probably would have given him the silent treatment for a week. But since it was _Jack_, all he got was a smack. Lucky arse.

The Doctor was soon distracted by feelings of jealousy, however, as the distant singing came close enough for him to pick out individual words.

And those words were not "Come on, vamanos!" In any language.

"Guys, do you hear that?" he asked Rose and Jack.

"Yeah, what is it?" they wanted to know.

The Doctor shushed them, called for silence, and then perked up his ears to listen to the singing. Finally, he could come up with a verdict: "It's an alien mating call."

"A _mating call_?" Rose repeated.

"Yeah, a mating call," he said. "You know, a song that aliens sing when they want to find mates."

"But, why are we hearing it here, in a Dora the Explorer verse?"

"Well," the Doctor told her, grinning, "that's what we're going to have to find out."

Without another word, he sprinted off in the direction of the song. Jack whooped and followed close behind. Rose sighed, muttered, "Men," and walked in the same general direction.

**~MISTER I'LL MAKE A BREAK OUT OF YOUUU~**

If any normal human had heard Dora speak to Jack and the Doctor that day, he or she would have heard the words, "_Hola_! My name is Dora! What is your name?"

What Jack and the Doctor heard, however, was: "Penis! Dora wants to have a threesome! Do you want to have a threesome?"

It was a little creepy coming out of the mouth of a little cartoon girl who looked to be approximately five years old, and the way her little monkey was scurrying around at her feet, shouting, "Penis! Penis!" was not helping the creepy factor, either.

"Um, hi there," Jack said, with his characteristic wink. "I'm Captain Jack Harkness."

"Jack!" the Doctor scolded him. "No flirting! She's about _five_!"

"Yeah, but she wants to have a threesome," Jack argued.

"That doesn't mean you should _encourage_ her –"

"It is okay," Dora said, looking melancholy. "My offers are usually turned down."

"See! Look at that! Now you've made her sad!" Jack accused.

"_Me_, make her sad? Oh, that's a good one, very funny."

"Stop arguing, both of you!" Rose exclaimed – she'd finally reached then at her walking pace. "I'll talk to her, since apparently neither of you can handle it. Now, sweetie," she added, crouching down so that she was at Dora's eye level, "how are you?"

"I like your boobs," Dora said. "Can I touch them?"

Rose's compassion vanished as quickly as it had appeared. "Oh my God!" she shrieked, jumping up and dashing behind Jack (who made a good wall.) "She's a pervert in a five-year-old's body!"

"Either that," the Doctor mused, "or she's an alien who, at the physical age of five, already has the mind of an old man."

While the Doctor thought of more potential theories and Rose and Jack talked to Dora, finding amusement in her perverted comments, a little, sneaky, orange fox appeared in one of the trees.

"_Rapist_!" Dora shouted, pointing at him. "Come on, kids," she said, speaking to an invisible audience, "say it with me, now: _Rapist, no raping! Rapist, no raping! Rapist, no raping!_"

The little monkey joined in the call, as well as Rose and Jack, and soon enough, Rapist had said, "Aw, man," and disappeared back into the trees, to much excited cheering.

The Doctor wasn't paying attention to the mere mortals, though – he was too busy thinking. He flipped through his mental index of aliens, searching for a race that would do this – create an American TV show, then broadcast it to them, without them knowing that the dialogue is actually weird and perverted.

Finally, after some deliberation (too much, he thought – he was getting old) he shouted, "Eureka!"

"What?" Rose and Jack asked.

"I know who's doing this," the Doctor told them, then cupped his hands around his mouth and called, "Dora! I know you're out there! Show yourselves!"

As the Doctor beamed (proud of himself for getting it right) and his two companions looked on with confusion, the scenery around them faded, morphing into an alien movie studio. The sky was made up of a web of cables, cameras, and lights. There were cameras pointing at them from every angle. In adjacent rooms, computers of all shapes and sizes were in use, programming every detail of the appearances of the cartoon world. The design was amazing, the technology was amazing, but the most amazing thing, by far, was that the entire system was manned by cheesecakes.

Yes, cheesecakes.

I'll give you a moment to let that sink in.

…

Okay, are you good now? Let's move on.

"Doctor!" one of the cheesecakes said, waddling over to them enthusiastically. "It's an honor to meet you, really, an honor."

"Oh, likewise," the Doctor replied, "ah …"

"Flora," the cheesecake supplied.

"Likewise, Flora," he finished. "So, would you mind telling me about your fascinating project, here?"

"Ah! Yes! My pleasure!" the cheesecake exclaimed, beaming. "Well, you see, we have built a cartoon world that simulates an American-style cartoon called Dora the Explorer (after our race, the Dora) and are using this cartoon world to create episodes of the cartoon, and broadcasting those episodes to Earth."

"Yes, I gathered that," the Doctor said, "but why?"

"It is an experiment," Flora explained. "The purpose was to find out what humans' reactions to being unknowingly immersed in the culture of our people would be. They believe that Dora is teaching them Spanish, but in actuality, they are learning the Dora language – they only believe it's Spanish because their puny little minds can't fully comprehend alien languages."

"So, the perverted Dora," Rose said, "that's part of your culture? Really?"

"Yes," the cheesecake told her. "It's a hard life, being a cheesecake, so our children grow up very fast. They have a lot of responsibility and maturity. We tried to reflect that through the show."

"And the rapist?" Jack asked.

"They're our mortal enemies. Of course, they're much more difficult to defeat in person, and they don't really look like foxes, but we want kids to get the general idea. I believe the show has been extremely effective in immersing humans in our culture."

"It's certainly very popular, over there in America," the Doctor admitted. "So, what are your findings? What have people's reactions been like?"

"Well, we've found that mostly, the show has had an influence on the younger children who watch it to go on great adventures, take more responsibility, use maps, and be a little bit more perverted …"

The Doctor and the cheesecake went on talking for some time, about results, statistics, and all sorts of other mathematical and scientific nonsense that Rose didn't particularly care about, so she explored the movie studio, instead (always staying in sight of the Doctor, though – she'd learned not to wander off, at least not for a while.) Jack had disappeared with one of the younger, secretarial cheesecakes some minutes previously.

Rose was just interrogating one of the cheesecakes about how a particular computer worked when the Captain burst back into the room, looking more than a bit terrified.

"Doctor, we have to go!" he shouted, grabbing the Doctor's and Rose's hands and pulling them back into the cartoon world with him before he could protest.

They sprinted with him (or, well, the Doctor sprinted with him – Rose sort-of jogged behind him) back through the cartoon world until they reached the TARDIS. Only once inside did the Doctor think to ask what Jack had been panicking about to take him away from his new friend, the cheesecake.

"Well," Jack answered, "I think I got one of the cheesecakes pregnant."

"You … _what_?" Rose asked, disbelieving. "How could you get a cheesecake pregnant?"

He shrugged. "I dunno. I'm just that desirable, I guess."

The Doctor rolled his eyes. "Just don't think about it, Rose," he said. "I have some idea how it might have happened, and it's not something you want to think about. Ever."

Jack winked. Sexually.

_The end._

_(Or is it?)_


End file.
